FFM10-Searching for Someday

When I wake it is on a hardwood floor and in a dress so tight it hurts to breath. I gasp and the air whistles in. There is an inhaler next to a tipped over wine bottle. I reach for it with finely manicured nails, chipped at the ends.

Now I can breathe. I scan the room. It is mostly empty. No pictures or personal artefacts. A single mirror peaks out from behind the closet door; a strange place for such a thing. I stagger towards it, legs longer than I am accustomed to. I wobble, my feet sheathed in nude heels. I stop and then kick them off. They bounce against the wall and nearly clobber me in the face.

I breathe onto the glass then wipe away the mist. My face slides into focus. It is pretty but I am used to such things. What makes it particularly striking is the long scar running down the corner of my baby-blue eyes to the curve of my sharply pointed chin like a teardrop drawn in by a toddler.

This is the kind of face you’d never forget. I wonder how it happened. It puckers along the edges, not quite healed yet. I pull away from the image and search for a purse, anything really that will give me an idea of who I am. The memories won’t come in until the world stops spinning.

I stumble and fall to my knees. The ground seems so far away. I can’t remember the last time I was so tall.

At that moment everything rushes back to me.

My face is small. I clutch my mother’s skirt. She waves my hand away and turns back to the man in the fancy suit.

I am screaming. Lungs burning. My mother slams the door on me. It is cold outside.

The world spins. The stars blur. Strong arms catch me before I fall.

A back turns on me. I smash a bottle of wine. The shards catch my skin. Blood runs through my veins.

I know who I am now. My name is Brooke Delaware and I am slowly dying. I am alone in New York City, the city that never sleeps while this body is doomed to an eternal one. I am a nameless face in a crowd. Nobody will recognize my body. I can do anything I want with it for a day. That is a rarity, a gift I have not once considered wishing for.

I am walking out on the streets. The air is dirty but I am clean and no longer wearing that horrible dress. There is a bounce in my step. I have one day of freedom, one day to do whatever I please.

“Brooke,” a voice calls out.

I turn back instinctually to meet a face that recognizes this body. Brooke would sneer at this man and walk away in a huff. I don’t want to be Brooke. Today I am supposed to be myself. This insignificant man ruins all of my plans.

There is a sweet smile on his face so I screw the consequences and smile back. His eyes light up like fireworks on the 4^th of July. I don’t regret my decision.

“Cassidy’s blowing a fuse.” He rubs the back of his head with his hand. “You’re supposed to be at rehearsal right now.”

I am so, so sick of being another person that I almost walk away from him without a word. He must see the resolution in my eyes because he grabs onto my wrist.

“Please don’t go. I know that people think you blow everything off but I’ve never seen anybody work so hard before. You want this more than anything. Don’t let anyone ruin opening night for you.” He grins slightly. “Not even Cassidy.”

I am usually good at being other people but for some reason my mind stalls. I can’t seem to say anything. He takes my silence as an answer and begins to walk me in the direction of god knows where. His hand is warm but it is not me he is touching.

We stop a couple of yards away from an outdoor theatre. I can see all the people. They are blurs in the distance. Presumably they cannot see us.

“Cassidy’s going to bite your head off. Are you ready?”

“No,” I answer truthfully.

My brain keeps scrambling and I can’t reach all of this girl’s memories. There is a gaping hole in my head where there has never been one before. I tremble in place. I wonder if Brooke even knows her lines. As soon as that thought crosses my mind the words fall into my mouth. I can feel them in my lungs waiting to be released. She wants this more than anything. I decide to grant her dying wish.

“But I am now.”

I wonder when it will be my turn to live.

The man kisses my forehead and then pushes me forward. “Thank you, Brooke. I really appreciate it.”

I wonder who he is. Then I know. “Don’t Josh. I’m not worth your time.”

Josh shakes his head. “You’ll be famous someday. I know it.”

I can feel that Brooke doesn’t think so. I also feel my body tingling and know that even if this is Brooke’s last performance she’ll make sure nobody ever forgets her.

I shake my head. “There won’t be a someday.”

But there is a now. Right now I am Brooke. Right now I am alive and breathing. I have the power to make a dying girl’s dream come true.

I am also perennially selfish. I always crave the chance to be myself. I know this man will never see me after today. Tomorrow Brooke will have her body back. I lean in and kiss him on the cheek. I savor the moment, the sensation.

“Don’t take your eyes off me. You’ll never see a performance like this again.”

There is no someday. I only ever have today.